"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." said President Ronald Reagan about jelly beans. Well, President Reagan Who Is Unfortunately Now Dead, what would you think of my character if I told you this?
There are three flavors of Jelly Belly jelly beans that I find plainly unacceptable. Most of them, assuredly, are delicious, such as Toasted Marshmallow, Coconut, and Lemon Lime. Gourmet jelly beans they are, indeed. However, only grandpas like Licorice, so there is no reason for that flavor to exist. Also, the Chocolate Pudding Jelly Belly jelly beans taste really artificial, like the chocolate-flavored fluoride treatments the dentist gave me when I was a child.
The worst flavor, though, is Buttered Popcorn. It is not that the flavor is anything but delicious, it is not that the flavor is artificial. No, the flavor is too real, so whenever I eat Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly jelly beans, I am always probing my gums with my tongue, to find bits of kernel that might have gotten stuck. There are no kernels to be found. My tongue says that Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly jelly beans taste like Futility.
What do you say to that, Mr. President?