Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The War for Christmas: Jesus versus Santa

The idea of a "War on Christmas" is silly. Sure, Target doesn't let their employees wish customers a "Merry Christmas" and you can't put a nativity scene in front of the city hall. Yet, the religious aspects of Christmas have been less diminished by any conspiracy than by people changing how they themselves choose to observe Christmas. Rather than a war between Christmas and secular Grinches, it's more appropriate to think of a war between two Christmases, one about celebrating the birth of Jesus, the other about Santa and presents. The second Christmas is winning, easily.

Christian Christmas is no fun and entirely inappropriate for children. The story of the birth of Jesus is lurid, involving teen pregnancy, homelessness, and a bizarre intrusion by big government, mandating a meaningless mass migration to everyone's home town so that they can be counted. Near the end of Matthew's story, all of the baby boys in Bethlehem are butchered; this is absent from your classic Joseph-in-a-bathrobe Christmas pageants. The story is supposed to tell how God was born in human form, but all we see is a silent baby in a creche. For the Christmas story to have a grander meaning, it needs extra context, how this God-child is supposed to be sacrificed as a propitiation for our sins. I would rather wait until Seasonal Affective Disorder has completely overtaken me, say, in February, to contemplate my sins and mortality; in the mean time, I'll enjoy the fun Christmas.

My Uncle Bart says that Jesus came to bring us Christmas cookies. He died so that we could be saved, but that's what Easter is about; Christmas is for Christmas cookies. I like the song about Rudolph who wasn't allowed to join in the other reindeer's games; as the kid in first grade who was kicked out of the Bat Club for having cooties, I find Rudolph to be a relatable character. The story of how he saved Christmas by being himself is inspiring. I like egg nog and I'm glad that we, as a society, have restricted its use to one month out of the year, for the sake of our own health.

It's obvious to everyone that the true meaning of Christmas is presents. I got fossils of a trilobite and a fern, and lots of comic books, and a mandoline. I gave microscope slides to one brother and to another, a steering wheel for his Playstation. Both were delighted, and I like it when my brothers are happy.

Religion loses ground with people less from being proven wrong and more from being proven dreary, irrelevant, or boring. I suppose that I stopped believing in God for rational reasons, this was a result of a careful thought process. What was more difficult for me was coming to a happy acceptance of my non-belief. I became a happy non-believer when I saw ways in which beliefs in God and heaven and spirits didn't give me as much fulfillment and orientation as reason, literature, science, my job, my friends, my family, and good coffee. People aren't, on the whole, going to consider atheism unless they think that it will make them happier and healthier. Secularists succeed when they promote non-belief in ways that are less like arguments and more like fun Christmas.


Some inspiration from "If This Sleigh is A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'" by Sarah Vowell, act two of The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Suit on This American Life.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

How to Win the War on Christmas

In the yuletide season, I wish everyone I meet a jolly "Happy Christmas!" Some do not take kindly to this greeting, and protest, "I don't observe Christmas!" If you do not observe Christmas, that is your choice, but these people act as if I'm trying to offend them. I wouldn't be offended if a Muslim wished me a happy Eid al-Adha, for example, I know they're just trying to be friendly.

So, to those who go beyond simply not observing Christmas, to being anti-Christmas, I respond to them saying, "Do you want to have an un-merry Christmas? May you be devoured by a horde of wild boars on December 25!" This shuts them up quickly, when I wave my totemic staff and they discover that I am the High Shaman of the UMBC Wild Boar Cult.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

For the Grinch: How to Steal Christmas

If I were the Grinch, and I were to want to bring Christmas to a screeching halt, this is what I would do. Rather than sneaking down each chimney in Whoville to steal all of the presents and the Christmas tree and the roast beast, I would sneak down each chimney and deliver one puppy. Whovillian parents would wind up taking care of the puppy after a couple of weeks, and they would resent whoever gave their child a puppy. Then they would not have Christmas again, to prevent receiving any more puppies. (Alternatively, they would wind up liking puppies, which is okay, but, I would keep delivering more and more puppies each year. One can only handle so many puppies.)

Also, I intend to mail my parents a box with airholes this year for Christmas. (Now I'm talking about real life, not what would happen if I was the Grinch.) Have you ever gotten a package with airholes? If you get an unexpected package with airholes, you think, "Hey, I have a surprise animal that might be venomous, and I might not want to take care of it. Who would send me an animal as a present?" I'm not sure what I should put in the package, though. Any suggestions? Snacks are always good, but something that needs airholes might be even better.