He must really like hiking

We got our backpacks because some guy died. Dad bought a sailboat from the widow, and she threw in these ugly, uncomfortable, faded orange backpacks, mainly to get rid of them.

One time, Dad took Spencer and me out backpacking on the Appalachian Trail, with our ugly, uncomfortable, faded orange backpacks. We came across a man who was wearing a hiking vest with oodles of pockets, he was drinking out of a CamelBak, and he was using two trekking poles. After we got out of earshot, I said, "That guy sure likes hiking." Dad said, "He likes buying stuff."

Yummy

Whenever I open a new package, maybe it's shoes or luggage, and I find a silica gel packet, I can help but think, "mmm, delicious."

Footprints poems for non-Christians

If you're an American Christian, you've probably come across the Footprints poem, and found it inspirational and not sappy. If you're not familiar with it, here it is:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

In order to make this Internet weblog more accessible to people who aren't Christians, I have come up with some other Footprints poems, for people of other worldviews.

Atheism:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach alone. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. There was only ever one set of footprints. This didn't bother me, because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I would just solve my problems myself.

Zen Buddhism:

A monk named Seizei was walking along the beach with his master, Sozan. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene he noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered Seizei because he noticed that during the low periods of his life, when he was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, he could see only one set of footprints, so he said to Sozan, “You promised me Sozan, that if I followed you, I would find enlightenment. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

Sozan replied, “This flax weighs three pounds.” And Seizei was enlightened.

Smart People Ratio and Other Signs of Dumbness

We were all packed into the kitchen, four of us, all college graduates, unusually smart people, if I do say so myself, we were trying to set up a coffee maker.

Is it working yet?
No. These instructions suck!
It's plugged in.
What does L2ERR mean?
Crap!
The beans are in the grinder.
And we put in water, right?
There's nothing in the manual about an L2ERR.
Did we set the clock?
Look at this sentence in the manual: 'Please to insert beans here for desired coffee amount'
Why did you buy this coffee maker?
Did we break it?
It's new, it should be fine.
But, it's plugged in, right?
Crap crap crap.
Push that button.
What is an L2ERR?
No, let's try to set the clock on the thing.
...and so on, for about half an hour.

And then, someone just closed the lid to the coffee maker, and it hummed on its way, grinding the beans and beginning to drip.

Too many smart people in one place is a sure sign of stupid. What are some others?