The Prestige 2

I have an idea for a sequel to the movie, The Prestige. It begins as David Copperfield, having learned the secret of time travel, from Albert Einstein, rescues Angier, who was left dying at the end of the first movie. This precipitates a multilateral magician's war, between Angier, Borden, and Copperfield. Cutter, the guy who played Alfred in Batman, also tries to top them with his amazing tricks, but is stopped by David Blaine, who, using his demonic powers, has summoned foul zombies in turn-of-the-century England, to overthrow London. Dumbledore seduces all the magicians, and they unite, using the art of stage illusion to halt the zombie invasion and bring an end to David Blaine's reign of terror. The movie ends as Nikola Tesla, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, and David Oreck, the inventor of the Oreck Vacuum cleaner, all convert to the Amish church.

Also, all of the characters will be played by Johnny Depp.

Best UMBC Police Log

Props to Karis for digging this up:

TRAFFIC ARREST -- 9/13/2000, 4:50pm A UMBC student was observed parking her vehicle in the wrong side of the roadway against the flow of traffic at outer Hilltop Circle and South Administration Drive. When the officer attempted to provide assistance to the subject, she refused to comply with the officer's orders. When the officer requested her driver's license and registration, the subject fled the area in her vehicle. A slow-speed pursuit ensued on Administration Drive to Lot 10. She discharged a passenger and ignored the officer's commands to turn the vehicle off and produce identification. The subject continued to drive away on inner Hilltop Circle, stopping at the traffic light at the intersection of Hilltop Circle and Hilltop Road. Again refusing to comply with the officer's commands, the subject made a U-turn at the green traffic signal. A second police vehicle joined in the pursuit. Traffic congestion forced the vehicle to stop a stop at the entrance to Research Park Drive. A UMBC student assisted the officers by blocking the route of escape with her vehicle when the subject attempted to pull to the right and continue fleeing. Again refusing repeated demands to turn the vehicle off and get out, she placed her hands on the controls of the vehicle, indicating to the officers she was going to continue fleeing by the only remaining path that was blocked only by officers on foot. The officers then made a forced entry into the vehicle by breaking out a rear window and physically extracting the subject. The subject continued to resist arrest process, clinging to the steering wheel, screaming obscenities and making threats to do bodily harm against the officers. She was transported from the scene and the vehicle was impounded. She was charged with 5 traffic charges and 2 criminal charges. The district court commissioner set bail a $2,500.

A well-designed toothbrush

I only use electric toothbrushes. I'm too ADD to brush regularly without the POWER of SCIENCE. When I travel, though I have trouble, because they don't normally make travel electric toothbrushes, or cases for them, or whatever, so that I can toss the toothbrush into my book bag and not get toothpaste residue on my calculator.

I recently bought a shiny new Crest toothbrush, and it came with a plastic cap to go on the toothbrush. Why hasn't anyone else done this before? It just snaps on to cover the bristles.

He must really like hiking

We got our backpacks because some guy died. Dad bought a sailboat from the widow, and she threw in these ugly, uncomfortable, faded orange backpacks, mainly to get rid of them.

One time, Dad took Spencer and me out backpacking on the Appalachian Trail, with our ugly, uncomfortable, faded orange backpacks. We came across a man who was wearing a hiking vest with oodles of pockets, he was drinking out of a CamelBak, and he was using two trekking poles. After we got out of earshot, I said, "That guy sure likes hiking." Dad said, "He likes buying stuff."

Yummy

Whenever I open a new package, maybe it's shoes or luggage, and I find a silica gel packet, I can help but think, "mmm, delicious."

Footprints poems for non-Christians

If you're an American Christian, you've probably come across the Footprints poem, and found it inspirational and not sappy. If you're not familiar with it, here it is:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

In order to make this Internet weblog more accessible to people who aren't Christians, I have come up with some other Footprints poems, for people of other worldviews.

Atheism:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach alone. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. There was only ever one set of footprints. This didn't bother me, because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I would just solve my problems myself.

Zen Buddhism:

A monk named Seizei was walking along the beach with his master, Sozan. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene he noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered Seizei because he noticed that during the low periods of his life, when he was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, he could see only one set of footprints, so he said to Sozan, “You promised me Sozan, that if I followed you, I would find enlightenment. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

Sozan replied, “This flax weighs three pounds.” And Seizei was enlightened.

Smart People Ratio and Other Signs of Dumbness

We were all packed into the kitchen, four of us, all college graduates, unusually smart people, if I do say so myself, we were trying to set up a coffee maker.

Is it working yet?
No. These instructions suck!
It's plugged in.
What does L2ERR mean?
Crap!
The beans are in the grinder.
And we put in water, right?
There's nothing in the manual about an L2ERR.
Did we set the clock?
Look at this sentence in the manual: 'Please to insert beans here for desired coffee amount'
Why did you buy this coffee maker?
Did we break it?
It's new, it should be fine.
But, it's plugged in, right?
Crap crap crap.
Push that button.
What is an L2ERR?
No, let's try to set the clock on the thing.
...and so on, for about half an hour.

And then, someone just closed the lid to the coffee maker, and it hummed on its way, grinding the beans and beginning to drip.

Too many smart people in one place is a sure sign of stupid. What are some others?

Two Stupid Product Slogans

1. Running late? Run a red light!
2. Hard liquor: for when tough guys feel like drinking out of dainty glasses
   

Commercials

With the Web 2.0 and the tubes and all, and IP addresses, you might not have seen commercials on TV lately. Here are things I learned from commercials tonight.

• Cal Ripkin's induction to the hall of fame is news
• A sandwich commerating Cal Ripkin's induction to the hall of fame is news
• Lotteries have a positive expected payoff
• Everyone likes horseracing, and you should, too
• The Nissan bottom line is the cheapest price you will pay
• Herbs and fruit have something to do with making you have pretty hair with which to impress an ENTIRE MOTORCYCLE GANG
• People will argue violently over the type of pizza they will consume
• A crowd of people will follow you about, if you pick the right cell phone network, impressing mobsters that were about to bring you harm
• Target supports teachers (if you give them key personal information and customer loyalty, in the form of a Target credit card)
• This car will keep your child from wetting his pants
• This will make you have pretty skin
• This is a call on your iPhone
• Amstel Light beer will make you as cultured as a craftsman of musical instruments

Now you know everything that is true. Ever.

Transformers Personality Test

What type of Transformer are you? Take this test to find out! You can play along at home, by keeping track of your answers to each question.

Question 1:
Which do you prefer:
a Helping people
b Blowing stuff up

The End

Scoring:
If you picked a for Q1, you are an Autobot. If you picked b, you are Decepticon.